I’ve been SO sick this week. Honestly, I’m just kinda over it. My whole house is a disaster, and I don’t want to or feel like dealing with it right now, so I’m writing this instead. Lately, I’ve been thinking—how do you get over caring what people think of you? I’ve had LOTS of therapy, coaching, and ‘rewiring’ my brain to not care what people think of me or my loved ones, but I still find myself caught up in caring. It’s easy to fall into the “everyone is looking at me and judging me” mindset when you have anxiety. It’s also super easy to tell other people not to care what others think, but taking my own advice? Absolutely not.

I was born and raised in the south, and we have a saying— “saving face”— which means you protect your family’s reputation, no matter what. You don’t act out in public, you dress appropriately, you don’t speak negatively of others, but the key is IN PUBLIC. At home, around people you trust, let ‘er rip. But in public, we act like we’ve got some sense.

After all I’ve been through, why is it so hard for me to let go of others’ opinions? I’ve overcome SO much in the last 15 years. I could write a book and probably never have to work again because of how relatable and real it would be. But I can’t bring myself to put that trauma into writing. People are nosey, and I know that opens a lot of questions. The saddest part is, I’ve overcome all of this for my kids, not for myself. As a parent, maybe that’s how it should be, but my kids don’t know, and that’s how I like it. After all these years, I’m still saving face, just not my own.

I’m the villain in so many people’s stories and that’s okay with me, because one day, everything has to surface, right? Or am I just suffering in silence for no one to ever take accountability? My husband genuinely could NOT care less what people think of him, and in some ways, that’s sooo frustrating to me—what do you mean you don’t care? Sometimes it makes me feel like he doesn’t care what I think, which isn’t true. My trauma and people-pleasing side envies his confidence, and I also resent it a little.

I’m working on myself—my body, my mindset, my trauma. I want my kids to be confident and happy with who they truly are, but that doesn’t come from saving face. It comes from them watching and learning how things are handled and how they should act vs. how they want to act. It’s all a struggle, none of it is black and white, and it’s hard being a parent. Maybe one day I’ll heal my past trauma, maybe one day I’ll write it all out and get it off my chest. I hope this post helps someone understand: you DO NOT owe anyone an explanation of why you are the way you are. It’s YOUR story, and you get to decide whether or not to tell it, and no one can ever take that away from you. And for the love of all things holy, wash your hands and DO NOT get this flu. It sucks